Exhibit A: The Diaper Incident
One cannot understand the man without first understanding the diaper. So profound was its volume, it is believed to be the singular source of all future self-consciousness. A true origin story.
A journey of trials, tribulations, and questionable haircuts.
Witness a life so profound, it required its own webpage.
One cannot understand the man without first understanding the diaper. So profound was its volume, it is believed to be the singular source of all future self-consciousness. A true origin story.
Shedding his duck-like posterior, the subject briefly entered a rabbit phase. This performance art piece, met with laughter from his brother, was an early sign of a flair for the dramatic.
A boy, a fish, a grandfather, and a shocking discovery of parasites. This event in Carbonear would forever alter his culinary path, creating a lifelong aversion to fish. Ignore the haircut.
A bold, perhaps misguided, attempt to channel the essence of Terminator 2. This artifact from the high school years serves as a humbling reminder that we all make choices.
Before settling on a path, there was a brief, dazzling foray into the world of high-fashion fragrance modeling. The fame was immediate, intense, and ultimately, short-lived.
The modeling work led to a prestigious, albeit uncredited, role as Henry Cavill's body double in a popular television series. He performed all his own grunts.
But Hollywood is a fickle beast. The A-list roles dried up, leading to a humbling stint as a stand-in for both Mike Myers and Mini Me in an Austin Powers film. It was, literally, a hard knock life.
Ultimately, this downfall led to obscurity in a Dutch reggae band. Creative differences were, sadly, irreconcilable. And so, he was forced to go into some actual work.
Mainlanders think they know snow. They do not. This archival photograph from Newfoundland serves as a correction to the historical record.
The subject met his future wife shortly after his formative career selling vacuums. This rare photograph captures her in a private moment, blissfully unaware it would one day be displayed here for the world to see. I will probably be killed for posting this.
A recently unearthed document from Grade 2 revealed a simple wish: to be an "ordinary dad and work at the university." After the detour through showbiz, the prophecy began to come true. The journey into "actual work" started in libraries (2004-2012), before shifting to university governance in 2012.
In 2016, with a child now in tow, it was time to leave the nest. The departure from Newfoundland was both swift and dramatic, as depicted in this artist's recreation.
The family successfully landed in Calgary, beginning a five-year chapter of mountain air and western living. The cannon-based travel method proved surprisingly effective.
Embracing the western life meant embracing the ice. Click the image to witness the subject's athletic progression: the 'Champion's Staredown,' the 'Dryden-esque Contemplation,' and finally, 'The Zen of the Fall.' After perfecting this state of horizontal stillness, it was a short leap to...
Fatherhood. A journey of joy, exhaustion, and the eventual, inevitable state change from 'sentient human' to 'primary load-bearing living room structure.' Here, the subject is seen in a later stage of this transformation, having become one with the sofa. A truly profound sacrifice.
In an attempt to reclaim his humanity after the "furniture" phase, the subject scoffed at contestants on a baking show. The universe promptly served humility. After misreading the recipe and adding three full sticks of butter, these... things... were born. Deflated, finger-like, but reportedly, delicious.
Look, people are saying—they're saying I was the best. Maybe ever. I came in, I saw the White House, which I redecorated, beautifully, by the way. I made tremendous decisions. The best decisions. Everyone agrees. Then I left. They begged me to stay. 'Sir, don't go.' I said, 'No, the world needs more.' It was a perfect, very short, very powerful presidency. Many people are saying it.
Leaving Calgary for Toronto in August 2021 meant facing the height of Covid restrictions. Manitoba, bravely guarding its borders, forced a harrowing portage. Carrying the car through untamed wilderness, battling mosquitos and existential dread, we finally arrived, forever changed.
Years after the traumatic parasite incident of Exhibit C, the subject bravely faced his fears. He held a fish. He even ate it when they returned to shore! A monumental step. Yet, the aversion lingers. The cure is incomplete. Some Newfoundlander I am!
And so, we reach the end of this epic retrospective. After all the trials, travels, and transformations, the profound truth is revealed: Timothy... is a type of hay. Yes, hay. Commonly fed to rabbits (Exhibit B?). Perhaps this whole journey was just leading back to the beginning. Make of that what you will. Thanks for stopping by!